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I don't know. It seems a bit silly to pay for school when you can get it for free. But I do have to admit, my high school was a bit... I don't know... chavvy? So many delinquents attended, and it did mean the teachers had to spend more time than was necessary on these kids, instead of teaching. It's not like they were spending all their time not teaching though, so as long as I focused on learning and behaved, I wasn't really hindered or anything. An annoying thing about my school was that there were lots of courses we didn't have, and for some we did have it was only at a very low level. For example, Spanish. I would have taken Spanish but wasn't willing to take a lower-level course when I could achieve something more. But I know this wasn't necessarily because it wasn't a private school, because other schools around us got drama, psychology, classics, Latin, et cetera, and they were all public too - it's just a matter of staff availability.

In Scotland we don't have to pay tuition fees, which is great, obviously. I've been thinking about doing a second degree, and would like to do it somewhere else, spread my wings a bit, but the idea of having to pay still bugs me, when I could stay here in Scotland and do it for free. :\
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This sounds like a bit of a paradox, but I wouldn't be so afraid to be different, and I wouldn't be so afraid to be normal. When I was at high school, I would try to hide parts of me that were different, like my sexuality, what music I listened to, whatever little things the idiots I went to school with didn't like to see in people. So I was acting like someone I wasn't. And then some rebellious thing kicked in, and I went to another extreme - trying to be too different; again, someone who wasn't me. I didn't break the law or anything, but I was just too determined to be different, just for the sake of being different. Anything that was too "normal" I suppressed. WTF?!  And now I'm perfectly happy with being myself :) 

I should also mention, because it is kinda related, how I really shouldn't have bothered with people who didn't give a shit about me or how I felt, or what I liked and disliked or anything. There are too many great people in the world to waste my time worrying about the most popular girls not liking me. If they don't like me, it's their loss, really.

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In my last year of high school, I stopped worrying so much about what people thought of me. I still cared, of course, about my real friends and family, but I went through a lot of bullying and stuff at school that I was constantly only revealing a side of me that would let me be liked by people, people that I didn't even like, and I knew they didn't like me either. Eventually, with the help of my brother, who had never given a shit about people who hated him, I learned to be myself, whether I was liked or hated because of it. I mean, I stopped having the occasional cigarette and drink, because I valued my health and my morals, knowing I was only doing it under peer pressure for people who weren't even my friends, they were just idiots who wanted the power. And I was worse off socially, just because I was not prepared to damage my health or break the law. But I was glad for it, because I finally only hung out with real friends, who liked me whether I was tee-total or not. The whole bullying/peer pressure thing at school gave me really bad confidence issues, which I'm still working out, but I'm glad I didn't decide to continually be someone I wasn't just for the sake of fitting in.

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Alexxandra

December 2012

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